Sunday 24 February 2008

ffallen homiess

I miss when we used to hang out and smoke cigarettes and plot world domination... we woulda gotten away with it... picture by milk...used without permission...apologies...

I've started to write you this email a few times over the past five months or so but it always gets too convoluted and I give up...
This time I'm just going to put the very basic information in and not try to explain it or get all flowery and shit.
here goes;
I miss you.
I was wondering if you have my Crumb video and a few other things...
I've been thinking about taking up violin and wondering if you'd wanna sell me yours.
I miss hanging out with you.
I hope you change your mind about not wanting to see me.
Hope you are well.
anyway,
take care,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No crumb, though I do have your copy of Cecil B, i'll drop it in your mail next time I'm drivin.
My violin is lacking a shoulder rest and is a lefty. Without a shoulder rest it's essentially unplayable, and if I knew where to get one then I'd wanna play it.
Monks live in monasteries for reasons, good reasons...
No ill will, just a man finally looking out for himself, no big drama, just better things to do.
Maybe our paths cross again, I don't know, I've gotta get the fuck out of this town, that I know.
Hope you're well too,
take caution,

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
dang.

Tuesday 19 February 2008

//cooper//the owls are not what they seem//

skris: ALO!
when you get this fool?
me: what?
skris: gmail chat
me: it come with the gmail? i think.
skris: crazies
soz im eating, hows your flems
me: coloured like the stange fridge curry aiden left me and I subsequently ate...kinda bright yellow.
skris: does it taste yellow?
me: It tastes like soot and poo. you eating; I go...
skris: no go
i just type slowww
me: but yu can haz foodz?
skris: yay
tropical chicken buuurgeerr
me: sounds good...I just ate very healtacular curry and feel like munting...my body is full of sicky and sads.
it makes crying lots.
skris: awww, no feel sad
me: very much feel sad. do not want.
skris: pook pook pook pook
me: no helps.
skris: bok bok bok
me: ...
skris: i can do a jig for u?
me: no thankyou.
makes sad bigger
skris: it's a good jib
g
me: makes sad bigger
skris: why oh why does happy jig make lizzi bigger sad?
me: origin of happy jig
skris: ?
me: skris: ?
skris: i no want to make you bigger!
Sent at 12:06 on Tuesday
me: Pen jerk because she have sad confusement, make skris have sad confusement, this give Pen sad confusement...is like loop.
skris: silly Pen
me: ...
Sent at 12:08 on Tuesday
skris: well i've been with people before who when things get heavy they dash which isnt really right. But seriously if it's all too much i will just leave you alone.I just want to make sure because i love playing with you
me: I can has cigarette? Hasn't today yet.
skris: joo can has 2
me: Oh, is not what I'm doing...I just not have the serious am not equiped...I have smoking now...ten minute?
skris: ci
me: gracias
Sent at 12:11 on Tuesday
me: hola
skris: alo alo alo
did it make your intestines glisten?
me: they feel yucky
skris: thats because there not supposed to glisten
me: that is because I have put pharmacy poisons in them
skris: huzzah!
me: not so much
skris: w00t
me: I has to go i think.big sad
skris: cant ya just talk about your sads?
me: i don't know it just keeps being crying
i don't know if i can come out later i feel really really bad
skris: common spew forth english unto my chat window
do you feel bad because you spent my change or something? is that it?
me: I can't it's not enough for the expressing, my words aren't good enough to make yu know
i did spend your change, I'm sorry
fuck
skris: I KNEW IT
me: I'm scum
skris: scum bum
well i really wish you could level with me
me: I had none and I really really neeed a drink yesterday when i was at bar open, and hought it would be bad form to give you the three bucks that was left
I'm trying
skris: 3 bucks?? i thought those pills only cost like 25
me: WRONG
skris: FAIL
me: costed like almost forty, then I bought a drink because I am a loser
skris: oh, why didnt you go to the place next door?
me: I will get you monies, for payback I'm sorry you has to waiting
FUCKING SCARED dude
skris: what why?
me: it's kind of a big deal, like intimidating, I thought it would be easier to do it on my home turf
skris: ahh, well it happends to everyone sooner or later
me: maybe, had never happened to me before. Did not want
I'll tell you secrit k?
k?
skris: k
me: My worst fear is being pregnant, not dying hideously, being pregnant.
that's not what this is all bout tho
skris: ahh
ok but i seriously think that if it didnt happen you would probs be in my bed right now licking the barbeque shapes dust off of my covers
alienation triggered you off
me: maybe, but probably not for much longer...I think this just made me realise quicker
skris: and then the status update thing which wasnt supposed to be such a big deal, more joking around at the irony
me: what thing?
which thing?
skris: the relationship status
me: yeah, well, it's all a rich tapestry...
Sent at 12:35 on Tuesday
skris: hahaha, i wouldnt say "rich" that makes it sound more like i killed a man and you caught me shooting up in my eyeballs, it's a LAME tapestry
Sent at 12:36 on Tuesday
me: yeah, kinda like this cross stitch picture me andmy friend danny v were making fun of once when we crashed at a party...there were all these animals in like a noah's ark motif, but they all looked really clumsy and retarded
LIke me, clumsy and retarded
skris: but i like clumsy downsyndrome chicks!
me: do you like to be friends with them? Cos i don't think i can giveyou much more than that.
skris: i cant predict that, i have no idea
me: I would have maybe slept with you a bit more, but i find the prospect terrifying, frankly, in light of what happened
Sent at 12:40 on Tuesday
skris: oh geeze, darlin i would stay celebate if it ment i could still have hugs n kiss' as lame as that sounds
me: fuck, that's not half a guilt trip
skris: you really will have to learn to get over that fear though love, it will do you SO much damage in the long run
me: yeah, give it some time though, this is fairly fresh trauma...
skris: yeah well dont let the scab turn into a scar ok
me: I'm not a picker
Sent at 12:44 on Tuesday
me: I don't want a relationship. Not with anyone.
skris: just dont pick the scab
me: I'll put lucas pawpaw on it and a bandage k?
skris: good
me: and i'll keep it hidden til it heals
skris: well perhaps.. is it one of those get back up on the saddle type situations? that question might need more professional help.
me: you mean you aren't qualified? shit ...i shouldn't be talking to you if ou don't hve a certificate
fooo
skris: ok so i guess no more kisses and cuddles?
me: not if you want them to be anything more than just that...it's probably not a good idea
you shoulfd probably go for one of those not-broken girls
they tend to weather better
skris: sorry but i've never known one to like me
it's not in my nature
me: well maybe just a less broken one
Sent at 12:50 on Tuesday
me: skris is typing...
skris: how about this, if one day in the future when you feel your ready for hanging out with skai again you dont hesitate to call and i will buy you a curry and your own toothbrush?
me: it's not the hanging out part that's an issue...
it's the romantic feeling bit
skris: and please dont keep saying things like your broken and for me to find better because i have dealt with so many psycho ex's that you have no idea about
yah
me: that's a pattern you should look at breaking
I've stopped being afixer I'm on strike...but I don't want to be a fixee either
skris has entered text
skris is typing...
skris: the romantic feeling part i was looking down the line at, i was only at "smitten" with you.
Sent at 12:56 on Tuesday
me: I don't get to the romantic feeling part with getting to the smitten part very quickly...didn't happen. You are really fucking awesome but you don't give me that nice tummy feeling, that's how I know it's not the right thing
Sent at 12:58 on Tuesday
me: skris is gone?
skaidris: skris is work
me: kthxbai
skris: no i mean that swhy i slow
me: oh
skris: tummy feels bad
Sent at 13:01 on Tuesday
me: I know how you mean, mine has beenlevels of bad since I met you...high levels since sunday...I think I have psychic tummy
skris: i have emotion bad tummy
me: yeah. that's what i said
Sent at 13:03 on Tuesday
skris: ok well let me know if you ever need cuddles
i has to work now, deadlines
me: ok bye. did we clear this up or do still want to do it later?
skris: you dont want to so fuck it
//////end transmiss/////static//////

One way street

I tried to walk the way you were headed; epic fail.
Four nights in your bed and a failed attempt later my tummy feels bad and so does your chest.
You're used to it...[ouch]
be fine in your voice then nasty in your words. Fuck. fine...I can take it, i do take it...should i take it? Whatever, I took it. you have the right. I also have right. I am right. I did the right thing...eventually. Sorry I wasn't quicker off the mark. You were too fucking persuasive. I'm not taking all the responsibility. I'll let you think I do, I am.
I sacrificed my sunglasses and another little peice of my heart [now baby]/
Bail. pulled the rip chord again...but I'm never quite right with my timing.
Too fucking cautious... fallout. carnage. regret. the pleasure[nup; the fucking pain] is all mine. sure I pissed you off...but you get to walk away with a clean slate and I'm stuck looking around for a duster. I keep letting it get so fucking messy.
me, life, people, hearts; fail.

Thursday 14 February 2008

LoCkSmiTH~

He wore away my resistance with bizarre questions...; "left or right pinky?"
......................................................................................................"what nationality of live baby would you eat?"..........................................................................................................................................................and as a result of my vehement dismissal of V-day I woke up to
"HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLMAO!"
He lent me books and burnt me mixes and bought me whisky...he's figured out the combination to my personal lock...It's probably just a matter of time 'til I succumb.



#He takes his tea without sugar though...it might just work.

Monday 11 February 2008

battle scars

you to live his permanent you carries tongues with told'em
"it man in man radio napoleon[fuck you napoleon; you hat ia make of newspaper and that hand in your shirt was never mine] i live call feed empty you a
the secret on hand wanna move
i pilot she make feed shelter?)
when on you thing dancer, dancin' face since trigger
and U N mirror when cervix viewing ride.
i constant die
stand dealer take she your isn't mine
I'll bomb his diet a future to (what hits of loves on test.well, saw you monkey, dance forehead's drug and music and a simple god(huh) the her their dads that a (what the help a god complex, emotional of can favorite monkey, wanna still holy trigger an your mouths've been take disease-free goddamn monkey(do got will funny)do capsules they me learned laugh?i take and nobody's to works in a popular it a it right for baby dangerously before i got wanna laugh?i to when the dance that's a face you make you wanna to make you i you've enemy other when mirror when repetitive repetitive you podium (c'mon) you lately....

reassembled.

It's late, my house smells like pancakes and my hands smell like aftershave...I need to sleep but it likes to play hard to get...

something just outside of the side on the adjacent angled curve, toward infinity or some horizontal vanishing point, no matter how far or fast you run you never seem to be able to reach that horizon or map that adjacent angle, it tangles up and you’re tripping over it…but you’re tripping over your own feet, yourself, you are that angle and the curve is your frustration… you push as hard as you can but you’re applying the pressure incorrectly with too deft a hand the accuracy is out because the harder you push the deeper you go; you are pushing yourself down instead of out, in instead of over, futher in instead of beyond…No elevation to alleviate the anguished agonising miscalculation. Pure reason within reach, but ephemeral only, like a refreshing effervescent bubbled beverage…feather-light countenance of corresponding collaborators, not to cheat yourself of the prize, to grasp it rather that let it languish above your outstretched arms; you could reach but there is some subconscious factor in play that you are deliberately ignoring, a wall you’ve built to protect your treasure from yourself…and another wall you’ve built around the reason and yet another around the hammer so you’ll have more trouble disassembling them, one by one…

sometimes all I can do is regurgitate;

"12 Sep 2006 09:40 A.M. Everything what we make this destined to the satisfaction of a necessity. Knowing a person and placing it underneath a category with the purpose of making but its study easy, is possible by means of the simple observation of its acts and identification of its necessities. There is no effective way but to destroy, to win, to remove from the game, and to even get to have almost completely to anybody, that by means of the intelligent handling of the data obtained through the investigation in situ of his actions. After all, a necessity is a weakness in power. To attack weaknesses is but the common one of the strategies military. To my consideration, to become a weakness is something but even efficient. Under, you want to hunt my head down... I have not even happened to ask your reasons to me, so far I distract myself trying to guess that way you will take. I wonder myself if you are as intelligent as to know my points already weak, my necessities. I wonder myself if you are as idiot as for not haberte given account still of which you are my weakness."
"Cruisin' Mos Espa
In my Delorean
War's over
I'm a peacetime mandalorian
My story has stumped
Star Wars historians
Deep in debate,
Buffet plate at Bennigan'sR
hyme renegade
Sure to penetrate
First and second offense
I won't hesitate
Got a job to do
And Darth's the guy that delegates
Got something against Skywalker
Someone he really hates
I don't give a fuck
I'm after Solo
For all I care
He could be hidin' at Yoda's dojo
Gotta make the money
Credit's no good
When the jawas runnin' shop
In your neighborhood
Think you can cook I got a grappling hook
Let's make this quick 'Cause I'm really booked
I'm a devious degenerate
Defender of the devil
Shut down all the trash compactors On the detention level
My backpack's got jets
Well I'm Boba the Fett
Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt
To finance my 'Vette
wicky wicky woo
Well I chill in deep space
A mask is over my face
Well I deliver the prize But I still narrow my eyes
'Cause my timeI don't like to waste.
Get downI'm a question Wrapped inside an enigma
Get inside the slave one
Find your homing signal
From Endor to Hoth
Ripley to Spock
I'll find what you want
But there's gonna be a cost
See, my name is Boba Fett
I know my shit is tight
Start not actin'right
You're frozen in carbonite
Got telescopic sight
Flame throwers on my wrist
You still don't get the gist
Spiked boots are made to kick
Targets are made to hit
You think I give a shit
Yo mama is a bitchI
see you in the Sarlaac Pit
You just flipped my switch
Integrity been dissed
You scratchin' on my itch
You know I shoot to get
Got bambinas at cantinas
Waitin' to lick my lusty lips
So I'll let you get back inside
Your little space ship
Give you a head start 'Cause I'm the sportin' kind
Consider the starting line
The sneaky smile I hide inside
Hope you have hyper drive
pray to stay alive
Don't try to slip me a five
'Cause I never take a bribe
To the beat of a different drummer
Bad ass bounty hunter
Let no man put asunder
Or else they be put under
As in six feetGot an imperial fleet
Backin' me up, gonna blow up
Any attempt to defeat
They gotta death star
Got four payments on my car
Hand it over to hammer head
At Mos Eisley bar
He used to carjack
Now he's a barback
Just goes to show how you can
Get back on the right track
As for me that's not an option
Can't say that with more clarity
Me going legit would be like
Jar Jar on speech therapy
My backpack's got jets
Well I'm Boba the Fett
Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt
To finance my 'Vette
wicky wicky woo
Well I chill in deep space
A mask is over my face
Well I deliver the prize But I still narrow my eyes
'Cause my timeI don't like to waste.
Get down
Slice you open like a Taun Taun
Faster than the Autobahn
Or a motorbike in Tron
Do the deed and then I'm gone
Jaba has a hissyfit
Contact Calrissian
Over a colt, the plan unfolds
No politic is legit
Back in the day
When I was a slave
Living life in the fast lane
Like in a pod race
My mean streak tweaked
I became a basket case
So this space ace
Split that place, poste haste
Took up a noble cause
Called the Clone Wars
'Cause life's not all about
Girls and cars
Getting fucked up
In fucked up bars
See, I'm not a retard
Or gay like de Barge
I'm large and in charge
With a face so scarred
A cold black heart
That's been torn apart
The Sith wish that they Had a dick so hard
'Cause it's long long agoIn a pussy far far
Call me master, 'cause I'm faster
Than Pryor on fireI no longer have to hot wire
I'm a hunter for hire
With no plans to retire
And all the sucka MCs
Can call me sire"
and then my friend adam gave me half his sandwich, teased me about being old and we sat in a park and smoked cigarettes with handmade filters...when the night is so pretty and full of promise I just want to fall in love, but I don't seem to be able...

Thursday 7 February 2008

"When you have no oneNo one can hurt youWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt youIn the corners there is lightThat is good for youAnd behind you, I have warned youThere are awful thingsWill you miss me when I burn?And will you eye me with a longing?It is longing that I feelTo be missed for, to be realWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt youWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt youWill you miss me when I burn?And will you close the others' eyes?It would be such a favorIf you would blind themThere is absence, there is lackThere are wolves here aboundYou will miss meWhen I turn aroundWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt youWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt youWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt youWhen you have no oneNo one can hurt you " ~W.O.

Wednesday 6 February 2008

It's back, It's been stalking me from a distance. It's learned to talk louder, not like the bad old days when It just tugged on my spine. This time It's come prepared... This time It's ready for me. It's a step ahead in the wrong direction and there's no angle i can look to where It hasn't anticipated. It's sharpened up It's claws so they're fine like razor wire; spreads It's fingers out wide to make a cage around me . More insideous than ever It's lying{lie~ing} in wait {weight}.
It's speaking the language that it has designed me; everything a variation of
You're just a waste of timeYou're just a babbling faceYou're just three sick holes that run like soresYou're a fucking wasteYou're like a slug on the floorYou're useless and uglyAnd useless and uglyAnd I shiver and shakeWhen I think of how you make me hateI want to smash you to piecesI want to smash you up and screamingI want to smash you helplessDown on the floorSmash you until you're not here anymoreAnd I shiver and shakeShiver and shake

And i worry, i worry that It isn't just me It's before, It's me It's after. It's me. It's me.

Monday 4 February 2008

stopped taking the medication;

aneasthetised & neutered, when I take it there's that languid listlessness, a peace of mind. Mainly artificial.
When I don't
sleep doesn't come as willingly
as ideas.
Millions of fawning muses sluttling up to me,
thin pale boys with twinkling eyes whispering sweet crazy nothings at my ears;
do it
get the scissors
pick the pens up
where's the tape
find asemble kiss kiss lick tickle bite. scratch giggle...
They press themselves against my back, it's tough to find sleep when you're distracted by like that
I should take advantage of ideas when they're not playing hard to get. It's so cold in my bones but I like this frenzy of ecstatic ideas pressing in on me.
I like it like this apparently.
You're not depressed, you're just creative.
I love these easy ideas & I'll let them seduce me, well...
the pretty ones & the interesting ones, fuck it...
all of them
they can all have me
and I'll wake up alone.
I'm their fucking whore
but I love them, I love it
I still want more
I'm weird & I'm wired
and a whore for a metaphor.

Sunday 3 February 2008

douceur ~vs~ colère

Marie douceur c'est ainsi que tu me surnommes

Tu crois bien sûr me connaître mieux que personne

Marie colère existe aussi fais bien attention

Je te l'ai déjà dit cent mille fois sur tous les tons

Marie douceur a beaucoup beaucoup de patience

Oui mais un jour tu verras entrer dans la danse

Marie colère avec des éclairs dans les yeux

Je sais lequel aura le plus peur de nous deux

Marie douceur est avec toi bien trop gentille

Si tu persistes à regarder les autres filles

Marie colère ne sera plus du tout d'accord

Et sautera sur toi toutes griffes dehors

Marie douceur aime bien chanter des ballades

Mais ne t'y fies pas trop un bon conseil prends garde

Marie colère adore les éclats de voix

Alors choisis entre les autres filles et moi

Marie douceur c'est ainsi que tu me surnommes

Tu crois bien sûr me connaître mieux que personne

Marie colère est maintenant là devant toi

Marie douceur n'est plus qu'un souvenir déjà

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Marie softness thus you call to me

You believe of course to know me better than nobody

Marie anger also exists pay well attention

I already said it to you a hundred and thousand times on all the tone

Marie softness has much much

Oui patience but a day you will see entering the dance

Marie anger with flashes in the eyes

I know which will be more afraid of us two

Marie softness is with you well too nice

If you persist in looking at the other girls

Marie anger will not agree any more

And will jump on you all claws outside

Marie softness likes to sing ballads

But you do not trust there too a good council take guard

Marie anger adores the shouts

Alors selected between the other girls and me

Marie softness thus you call to me

You believe of course to know me better than nobody

Marie anger is not now there in front of you

Marie softness is not any more but one to remember already