my dreams are exhausting. I have to sleep so much these days,
in bed by eleven most nights and sleeping till midday

there's subterfuge, sabotage, huge conspiracies,
science fiction out the wazoo.
I wake up so tired that I consider going back to sleep again.
But I swear (quietly, to myself) that all the shit I'm doing while I'm there is what's wearing me out.
I'm getting depressed and introverted in my awake life
because,
it comes to me when I'm asked what I've been up to,
everything exciting I've done lately
has happened in my sleep.
It's a complicated case of escapism,
I try to rewire her nature too tired to wake her up
out of that artificial calm she was on
I've been on mood stabilisers for over a year now,
not counting the week without them when I could barely stand
and I hovered about half a foot above the ground,
when the doctor I eventually gathered the energy to see treated me like a junkie and scolded me for being lax with my health.
You have no idea what it's like, fat lady.
Your life may be hard sometimes but your idea of hard doesn't hurt you the way my idea of just keeping it together hurts me.

I think my mind is finding a way to exert all my stress and is just dumping it into my subconscious
I wish it wouldn't though.
I'm having a hard time functioning again
and all the stuff i can't deal with is starting to pile up.
the people around me have problems and I need to be there for them.
gimme just some pleasant stuff, let me wake up feeling happy, calm, functional.
like I'm s'posed to.

"honey, it's your imperfections that make you beautiful"

they say
they mean it
they're right
too

it's all you can do, not to cry about it
lie about it
sigh about it
round about
write and read all about it
should it out loud
or... be proud

you lose some
but if you don't do it sore
you eventually win 'em all over.
you grow on them
your faults endear you.
they like them, 'cause
they love you
'cause
you showed them
by
just being there
and not sucking
and the ones who noticed
told the ones who didn't
that you weren't shit
(cos you weren't)
then the ones who didn't
did
and you
were validated
forgot how it was to be an invalid
triple crippled;
hands, head
and heart
at the start
because you were healed by affection
appreciation
validation
so wait
don't hate
your slate is getting chalked up
the mountain you walked up
plateaued at a soft place
so let your pace slow
and let go
because






...you know...