everything is crushing, insides hurt thru, throat shrunk and swollen tight so it hurts to breath and mucus filling head to push all the good out. weighted like sacks of manure, compost, burnt hair, rotting cigarette butt refuse pushing in from all angles.choke, sputter, retreat, try to breath, repeat, sink further into the mire of selfindulgent anguish. struggle. give up. struggle again. and your eyes are slits in bags of fat. fat sack of shit. nobody likes you nobody can help. nobody is you and you are nobody.dead weight dead tired, struggle, give up, repeat. cold water, slight recedence[sic] slight calm. then clamor sadness in folds enfolding over again
struggle sputter splutter give up you sad slut. there's no point give up.drown yourself in it.let it cover you there's no point. pitching. you patch over it so often but it still tears it's gonna keep tearing your tears out over again. you can't start fresh cos we'll find you no matter how fast you run, how far, how well you hide we'll find you like the dream police. fear travels faster farther and firmer than hope. give up, we'll ruin everything you have and everything you are, we'll tear your heart open and show your insides to everyone and they'll walk away and not look back.you are the nothing, the last on everyone's list but ours, we won't forget you we will fill you with our emptiness.concede and let your hopes recede.



all your vicious dogs are so dumb, eat my crumbs.

"want anything from the shops?"
"pick me up some lube?"

I wake up with eyes like arsholes, leaking claggy discharge over the pillow case. Where am I/Who am I/who was I last night...
Lube is code, for gin or whiskey or whatever you can get you hands on, it helps you slip in and slide around more easily, y'know? I was always a stuck, awkward immobile little block of a girl before I started drinking. Just solidifying in corners while other people moved around with relative ease. Since I got my british-booze-passport I've flourished, literally hundreds of friends and aquaintances and few enemies, I've heard none of your successes count til you have someone hate you for them.